Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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