dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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