Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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