Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
