the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
