Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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