I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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