Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
