i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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