Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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