Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
