Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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