Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize