I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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