I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
