Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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