Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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