So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
