69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
