Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
