my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
