Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
