Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
