I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
