I wish I could teleport
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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