I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize