I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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