I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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