Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I deserve this hangover.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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