A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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