its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
