We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
