Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
