Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
