I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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