It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
