I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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