thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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