The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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