So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
