whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
