when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
