why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
