don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
being pregnant is like rehab
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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