Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
