you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My vagina is very pro this idea
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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