News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
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