I'm gonna have a badass scar
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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