so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
