He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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