I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
