Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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