me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
