It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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