He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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