Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
