hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sext me about skeletons
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
