I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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