I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
