Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
