Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
