Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
